Hello and welcome to It’s Queer Here!
It’s Queer Here is a ten days long mini blog series which will hold from June 14 – June 25th (skipping Juneteenth) to commemorate Pride month. The purpose of this blog series is to centre more often forgotten queer voices, especially those which intersect with other marginalisations and affect their experience of queerness. It’s Queer Here can be seen as reminder, that although these identities less are presented, that they’re still here and they’re still queer.
Today on It’s Queer Here, Katie (he/they) talks about how being autistic has affected their coming into their identity as a queer person.
Hi, I’m Katie and I’m nonbinary, aroace, and autistic. One of the main ways my autism impacts me is alexithymia, or the inability to pinpoint emotion. I didn’t realize how big of an impact it actually had until relatively recently, which honestly makes sense. I should probably start by introducing myself.
I have a tendency to look inwards a lot, but it’s not until other people point things out that they actually click. When I was in middle school, I thought I was pan for maybe a month or so. Then, I saw a tumblr post stating something along the lines of “if you haven’t had a crush before *insert age here* then you might be asexual” and it clicked. In elementary school when someone asked who I had a crush on, I would say Frankie Jonas, the little brother to the Jonas Brothers. I don’t think I really understood what a crush was. Or, I thought I was just a late bloomer or something. I knew I had to make up something in order to fit in, so I just chose a famous person my age.
For that month or so, I thought I was pan because in my head I was like “there’s no gender that I prefer, so I must be into people of all genders.” What I didn’t see at the time was that I never actually had a crush on anyone. I didn’t understand what having a crush on felt like. I still don’t. Yes, I read books about romance all the time, but how do I know what it feels like if I’ve never felt it before? How do I know if I’m feeling it for the first time?
So, basically, I discovered my sexuality through a single tumblr post. As for my gender, it’s a similar journey, but one that’s taken much longer. I’m still not really completely certain on that end. Once again, the issue is “how do I know what I feel if I’ve never felt it before?” How do I know if I’m a girl if I don’t know what it feels like to “be a girl”?
I still don’t have a solid answer in terms of what my gender is (although if you asked me a year ago, I would have told you I knew). I know I’m not a girl (even though I still don’t know what that means) at least most of the time. Sometimes I am a girl though. Sometimes I’m a boy. Sometimes my gender is so far from reach that I allow myself to float in the void of space. I still call myself nonbinary/genderfluid/genderqueer. Mostly because I don’t care enough so much of the time. Maybe tomorrow I’ll learn that I’m actually just a guy or that I’m pangender. We’ll see. I have no clue at least.